Again, I feel like it could been weeks, if not months since I last wrote. I have made some good friends in Lyon but I also feel a little less social than I normally am. A lot of the time I want to rush home to see Loic and spend time with him. I am doing a lot of babysitting in the evenings now too and I feel like on my evenings off I want to be home or out in the city, but with Loic. He has a different personality to me, which is more clear the more we go out together and generally living with each other. I find myself wanting to be more domesticated and less wanting to go out partying and drinking. I’m not sure if this is so good though, because if I have just moved to a new city – I need to be spending time with the friends who are wanting to spend time with me too.
I have a few plants now (I’m enjoying this gardening idea) and just yesterday we bought a hamster. I’m surprised with my willingness to settle down now. It all started when I decided to buy a bike and from then on, I am feeling more (and less) at home. Now I feel like the apartment we live in is mine too, and now that I am working everyday, I feel more productive. Although really it can be difficult for me, and a lot of the time I find myself in a fit of tears. I hate to cry around Loic because I don’t want him to feel depressed for my sake. I wonder if I am doing the right thing with my life. I wonder what my parents really think about my life and the decisions I have made. Of course they are always so supportive of me, but do they really want me to travel so much. My brother made a comment on Skype on Sunday – that he feels like he doesn’t have a sister anymore. A lot of things he says don’t make a lot of sense now and he gets really confused with his medication. He said to my mom a few weeks ago that he was talking with me downstairs (at my parents house) about life problems, which is clearly not possible. These things really upset me because I just want him to be happy and have a normal, happy life but since the accident it’s very difficult for both him and my parents. But it’s the comments,about our childhood, or my room, about me being there and being his sister. These really upset me because I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I have been away from my parents, really, since I was 18 years old and now I am 26. This is a constant thought in my mind but I feel like my parents have missed all of my ‘adult’ life. Although we have Skype and Facebook, they don’t get to see me on weekends for Sunday roast, or for all of the holidays. I don’t mind being far away from any of my other family, cousins, aunts, uncles, but I think one day my parents will be gone and I missed the most influencial years of my life with my parents. I think I have realised this again now when Loic goes to see his family or has his friends for the last few years, or from school – like long periods of time; whereas for me, everyone is all over Europe and my closest friends now are the ones I left behind in Ukraine – along with the job and lifestyle that I loved.
On top of these thoughts playing on my mind, on a daily basis, I also have trouble with the language barrier. Sometimes to be in the house and the guys are talking so quickly in French, about old memories or jokes; or if I go to Loic’s family’s house, I can’t have a normal conversation with people. Sometimes I don’t feel like myself anymore and it’s only when I do go out with my friends, alone, that I feel like myself again. I am happy and outgoing. We went out last night for one of Loic’s managers going away parties, and unlike my normal self, I am sitting quietly – not sure if anyone speaks English – and almost waiting for people to come talk to me or to be introduced. And where has all my motivation gone for learning a new language? I think the depression feelings of living in another country overwhelm me so much that I just don’t want to think about studying.
I have been reading a lot lately on the metro because I find if I am just listening to music, I am over-analysing my life – staring down at the ground and thinking way too much about what I do on a daily basis and how much I feel like I am changing, or not being myself. I am daydreaming about past memories in Ukraine, or generally just thinking anything about Ukraine brings me to tears. I feel like I am almost escaping my life by reading books. Even the other day when I met a couple girls from couchsurfing, we were talking about books and they asked me about what I was reading. I answered in such a way that it almost felt like the characters were real and I was describing them and their personalities.
But on a good day – no really, most days, the majority of days – I remember how much I love travelling and that I wouldn’t want to settle down in America (atleast for the moment). I love my life the way it is and I am blessed to be able to live in other countries when others would need to have a visa to visit. I have the best, more understanding and patient boyfriend I could ask for. Even if we are completely different, he brings out the best in me and I want to be a better person, for myself and to him. I think that if I were able to atleast visit my family for a couple weeks (because they last time I saw them was 2 years ago), everything would feel much more comfortable for myself – because at the moment, maybe I really am just over-thinking everything.