I wish I could see clearly

I wish I could see myself from the outside, like floating above everything that is happening and have a serious idea of my life. Some of the time I would like to remember me leaving Ukraine in a completed way; feeling like, I was happy to leave my job and my friends and begin a new adventure; that I only planned to stay for 2-3 weeks but it turned into something much more; but other times, I feel like my time in Ukraine is just incomparable to anything else in my life. Even if I spent a lot of time in London, I never felt the way that I felt in Lviv and my friends. I knew that I wouldn’t find true love in Ukraine with the mentality of a lot of the men there so when I had this ‘love story’ almost unfolding in front of me, I wanted to run and jump, leap as far as I could and not look back and be a happy ‘in love’ person; but I feel like my life here isn’t me. I daydream a lot about old memories, friends, boyfriends, jobs. I wonder if I am truly happy here, living someone else’s dreams and living with someone else’s friends. I’ve met some really great people here, but they are not my best friends. And my best friends in Lviv are irreplaceable. I am trying to understand my feelings of – would I actually be happy to pack up and go to Ukraine again? Would I want to live there again or am I just sad that it is over because there was so much emotion involved while I was there.

This quote replays in my mind often – ‘don’t cry that it’s over, smile because it happened.’

But it’s unbelievable hard for me and I don’t know why after 5 months, I still feel like something is missing in my life; like a huge chunk of my heart. Why can’t I stop feeling like this?


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